


XOXO, Deadpool

by thinkoutsidethebex



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-14
Updated: 2019-09-14
Packaged: 2020-10-18 11:24:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20638367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thinkoutsidethebex/pseuds/thinkoutsidethebex
Summary: Deadpool tries to return the web shooters he stole during his last visit to Avenger's Tower. The only problem is ihe has no idea how to get in again.





	XOXO, Deadpool

**Author's Note:**

> This is technically a follow up to Maximum Effort, but you don't NEED to read it for this to make sense. Anything I writed with Deadpool is just meant to be dumb and weird. Enjoy it for that. As always, Wade has two voices in his head. Bold is one, italic is the other. You'll figure them out.

As I stared up at the looming shape of Avengers Tower, I started to realize this was a pretty stupid idea, and I’ve had my fair share of bad ideas. Sure this wasn’t as bad as nipples on the Batsuit, but it was still pretty bad. There was no way this could work.

**Wade, we have to return the stolen web shooters. It’s the right thing to do.**

_Technically, we borrowed them. But he’s right. Plus, this will definitely get us major points with Peter._

**That’s not the point.**

_Not for you, maybe._

“Well how in the hell are we supposed to get in?” I asked. It was then a thought occurred to me. “Isn’t this place like 80 stories tall?”

**93 to be exact.**

“And only like 12 people actually live here, right?”

_Oh, I see where we’re going with this._

There was no way it was going to be that easy. Tony had surely updated security since my last visit. I couldn’t just walk in, could I? I checked my watch. 4:55PM. Quitting time. I waited to the side as a flood of people exited, and slipped inside. The lobby was close to empty but even the people who were left didn’t seem to notice me. Superheroes were a common occurrence here and I wasn’t given so much as a second glance.

“Nothing to see here,” I said as I walked further inside. “Just an everyday masked man duel wielding katanas in the most secure building in New York. Everyone just go about your day.” I walked up to the information desk and was greeted by a holographic receptionist.

“Hello, and welcome to Avenger’s Tower. How may I assist you?”

_You’ve gotta be shitting me._

**This does seem far too simple.**

“Um, hi,” I answered. “I’m looking for um…Spider-Man’s room?”

“I’m sorry. That information is only accessible to authorized personnel,” the hologram answered.

“Oh uh…ok. Can you tell me who’s authorized?” I tried.

“Authorized personnel include members of the Avengers team and select S.H.I.E.L.D. agents cleared by Director Fury and Mr. Stark,” it trilled cheerfully.

“Ok. Um…thank you.” With a beep, the hologram disappeared.

_Ok, minor setback but let’s regroup and come up with Plan B. What if we try the vents again?_

**Mr. Stark has undoubtedly taken precautions to ensure that can’t happen.**

_There’s an elevator?_

**It seems to require a key card to operate.**

_Well you’re the smart one you come up with something!_

“Guys, shut up! I’m trying to think here.”

“Is that any way to greet an old friend?” came a voice from behind me. I turned around and came face to face with-

“Bob! You son of a bitch! What are you doing here?” The former H.Y.D.R.A. agent and I threw our arms around each other. “Last time I saw you, you were working for that shitheel Francis.” Bob laughed.

“Yeah, after being used as a human Scrabble piece I decided it was time for a change,” he answered. “I’m a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent now.”

“You don’t say,” I said.

_There it is._

“Say Bob. How’s about a tour of the tower? I’m dying to see what the place looks like. Maybe pick up an application for the Avengers or the Starbucks I’m assuming are on every other floor.” Bob looked around nervously and scratched his neck.

“I dunno, Wade. We’re really not supposed to bring anyone past the lobby without clearance.”

“Come on, Bob,” I pleaded. “For old time’s sake? Remember Reno?” Bob chuckled lowly, and conceded. He nodded toward the elevator and pulled a key card out of his pocket.

“I actively try NOT to remember Reno,” he laughed. We entered the elevator and he swiped his card, hitting the button for the 20th floor. “I can show you a couple things, but most stuff’s restricted. I’m not risking my job for you, Wilson.”

“You mean you don’t take every genetically altered mutant off the street for a super-secret tour of the Avenger’s house?” I joked. “I’m touched.”

“You never change, do you Wade?” Bob asked.

“Not if I can help it. Hey, what’s that floor?” I pushed the button marked 6.

“Sleeping quarters,” Bob said.

“For who?”

“Captain America.”

“Oooooo, what about this one?” I pushed 32.

“Med bay,” Bob sighed.

“This one?” 51.

“Banner’s lab. Nobody gets in there but him and Stark.”

“This one?” 63.

“Weapon storage.”

“This one?” 12.

“Spider-Man.”

_Aaaaaaaand boom goes the dynamite. Alexa, increase security protocols on the 12th floor._

**I’m fairly certain the artificial intelligence system is named F.R.I.D.A.Y. Also, you don’t have an audible voice.**

The elevator dinged at the 6th floor and Bob sighed, hitting the door close button. Once they were shut, I grabbed him by the collar and head-butted him right into sleepy town.

_Fuck, that hurt! We need to stop doing that._

**It’s not great for the brain, but you can’t argue the effectiveness. **

“Sorry Bob,” I said, swiping the key card from his pocket. “Nothing personal. Say hey to Gail for me.”

The doors opened to a dimly lit and quiet floor. I leaned forward, listening, but it seemed empty.

“See this is what I was talking about! There’s like nobody that lives here. Why did I even crawl in the walls I could literally live on this floor and nobody would know? It’s like the X-Men mansion times a thousand.” The hallways were empty, as were most of the rooms I found. I was about to give up and toss the web shooters on the floor and call it a day, when I found an open door. I crept inside and knew this was definitely Peter’s room. Star Wars posters lined the walls and a half built computer had parts spilled across the desk. The biggest clue was the Spider-Man costume on the bed.

_Do you think it would fit us?_

**How on Earth would it? He’s a teenager.**

_A BUFF teenager!_

I walked over to where his suit was and set the stolen web shooters on top of it with a note.

_Spidey,_  
_Sorry I stole your stuff. You’re perfect. Don’t ever change._  
_ XOXO, Deadpool_

**I understand the need to return Mr. Parker’s stolen tech, but is the love note necessary?**

_It’s not a love note, it’s an apology letter._

**Signed with hugs and kisses?**

_Zip it!_

“Seriously, shut up!” I headed back to the elevator, swiping Bob’s stolen keycard on the pad to get the hell out of here. “You did a good thing today, Wade. Let’s go get you some chimichangas.” My finger hovered over the lobby button, but I hesitated. Something Bob said was echoing in my head. 63rd floor: weapons storage.

**Don’t do it, Wade.**

_DO IT, WADE!_

“Yeah, I’m gonna have to side with Screwball on this one,” I said, pressing 63.

About 20 minutes later, I was sneaking back to the elevator again, this time carrying a massive weapon and praying nobody could see me. Before I could make it, I heard a voice coming from around the corner.

“All I’m saying is I’ve seen it online! There are whole bags you can buy that are just the marshmallows and none of the cereal bits.” I knew that voice. It was Peter.

“I swear to God I’m turning off the internet,” came the reply. Definitely Tony. I crept closer.

“Come on, Mr. Stark. You’re like the richest guy in the world and everyone knows the marshmallows are the best part of Lucky Charms!” Peter begged.

_He’s so pure._

**Indeed.**

_Aww, we agreed on something!_

I peeked around the corner and saw Peter and Tony standing in a kitchen. Steve was a few feet away, seated and chuckling behind a newspaper. It was so domestic and cute.

_Someone should write a fanfic about this. Wait a minute…._

Tony sighed deeply and rubbed his face.

“Kid, you’re not a kid anymore,” he said. “You’re 18 now and you can’t live off of Lucky Charms and Taco Bell. Eat some fruit.” Peter groaned and rolled his head back.

“Come oooooon Mr.-“ He stopped and his eyes locked on me.

_Shit._

“Deadpool?” Steve’s head snapped up and Tony whipped around. The three of them stared at me until I had no choice but to move into the room.

“Oh hey there Iron Fam,” I greeted them, hiding my prize behind me. “Long time, no see. How’s things? How’s the franchise? Still pulling in big bucks?” Steve was stoic, as any good captain should be, but Tony was nearly frantic.

“How in the ever loving shit do you keep getting in here?” he shouted.

“Perfectly phrased writing challenge prompts and severe boredom,” I shrugged. Peter clapped a hand over his mouth to keep from laughing.

“I honestly never have any idea what you’re talking about,” Tony said.

“Welcome to my world,” Steve replied.

“I kinda like him,” Peter piped up.

“Now would be a great time for you to shut up,” Tony warned.

“Weeeeeeeell,” I said, feigning a stretch. “I’d love to stay and catch up but it’s about time for me to be hitting the old dusty trail.” I turned and started for the door but Tony wasn’t having it.

“Oh, hell no. F.R.I.D.A.Y., shut it down,” he commanded. The AI shuttered all the windows and slammed all the doors, including the one in my face.

“Ow,” I moaned.

“Ok, Dipshit,” Tony growled. “I’m going to give you one chance here and I swear if I don’t like your answer, I’m throwing you out the window sans web shooters. What are you doing?”

“Um…nothing?”

“Is that a bazooka?” Peter suddenly shouted.

_SHIT!_

“I think technically this is an RPG,” I said, “But now that I’m thinking about it I really don’t know what the difference between the two is.”

“Well,” Peter started, “With an RPG the payload is in the front whereas-“

“PETE!” Tony screamed.

“Don’t yell at him he’s doing his best!” I yelled. Tony looked around the room for any kind of support he could find.

“Has everyone here lost their damn minds?” he cried. Steve placed a hand on Tony’s shoulder and the billionaire retreated to the seat the super soldier had vacated.

“Wade,” the captain said. “I’m glad you came back.”

“You are?”

_He is?_

**He is?**

“I am,” he said simply.

“Wait,” I said, realizing something. “How do you know my name?” Tony scoffed.

“You think you can break into my house without me finding out everything there is to know about you?” he yelled.

“Take it easy, Tony,” Steve warned. He turned back to me. “I looked into you after our last encounter. You’ve got an impressive resume. Special Ops, decorated soldier. You’re the kind of guy who might make a good addition to the team.” Tony’s face went so red I was sure he was second away from smoke coming out of his ears.

“He might make a WHAT?!”

“If,” Steve continued. “You make a few changes.”

_If it’s any kind of sex thing, say yes._

**Agreed.**

_Aww, we agreed on two things today. That’s a record!_

“What kind of changes?” I asked.

“Well, for starters, no more stealing our things,” Steve chided. I looked down at the bazooka in my hands and then back up.

“Go on.”

“You can’t kill anyone. I’ve seen your jacket and that has to end. No negotiation.” His face was stern.

“Anything else?” I questioned.

“Yeah. Quit being pervy with the kid,” Tony chimed in.

“I’m not a kid! I’m an adult. You said so yourself,” Peter yelled. He looked back at me with wide and hopeful eyes. Like a princess in a Disney movie. “I think you’d really like being an Avenger Mr. Wilson. We help a lot of people and you’d get to live in the tower which is pretty awesome. Come on.” The hope in his voice was so sweet I got diabetes. I looked between the three men in front of me and weighed my options.

“Nah,” I finally answered. None of them spoke for a moment.

“Wanna run that by me again?” Tony demanded.

“Look, I appreciate the offer, but I already have a team. I worked really hard to put it together and Disney has already said they’re interested in a third standalone movie for me after a team up,” I explained. “I can’t pass that up. You understand.” Steve opened his mouth to reply, then closed it in confusion. Peter looked at the ground and played with his hands. Tony’s face was blank which might have been scarier than when he was yelling.

“God, I need a drink,” he finally said. “Just…go home, Wade.”

“Sure thing, boss,” I said. The doors opened and I was on my way out when Tony called out his addendum.

“WITHOUT the bazooka.”

_We were so close._

**Were we?**

Sighing, I set the bazooka down.

“Cockblock,” I mumbled and made my way to the elevator.


End file.
